This is a departure from our usual style of programming. It’s a report of something George Clooney said on Saturday afternoon at History Talks 2022 at the Daughters of the American Revolution’s Constitution Hall. 

In a conversation between Clooney – whose career I assume you’re familiar with – and his somehow still cooler wife, barrister and human rights advocate Amal Clooney, moderated by Doris Kearns Goodwin, Clooney pulled few punches. Both Clooneys piped up on human rights, Ukraine, their families, work/life balance, and their palpable feelings for each other (I mean, wow. I know he’s a professional actor and all but no one has ever made me feel the way I felt by proxy just watching Clooney look and talk about his wife). 

At one point, the conversation pivoted to the latest antics of the Republican establishment. George Clooney turned to the audience and told us his vision for the political advertisement he wanted to make, which I’ll attempt to loosely recall and hope you enjoy:

FADE IN – INTERIOR.

Camera pans sideways across a posh interior, clubhouse-like environment, where an audible yucking-it-up gives way to Florida’s Republican Governor RON DESANTIS. 

DESANTIS

…then I took all these illegal immigrants – who by the way, aren’t really illegals, they’re just legally seeking asylum; oh and not the Cubans, I need their support – and rounded them up.

Camera pans to show Texas’ Republican Governor GREG ABBOTT sitting next to DESANTIS.

ABBOTT

[Laughing] and then what’d you do?!

DESANTIS

So then, get this guys, I tricked them into getting on this plane – once again, not the Cubans – promising them jobs! 

Camera continues panning to show Texas’ Republican Senator TED CRUZ sitting next to ABBOTT.

CRUZ

[Laughing] That’s so great, they all thought they were going to get jobs when they came here for asylum but you just put them on a plane!

DESANTIS

Then I flew them out to Obama’s house on Martha’s Vineyard and the Vice President’s house, just leaving them there!

ABBOTT

[Spitting out his drink laughing] Oh man, that is the best! You fucking showed them!

DESANTIS

Stupid immigrants right!? We really owned the libs! 

Camera continues panning, towards the other side of the room, almost putting into focus whoever is sitting across from the three Republicans.

CRUZ

[Bent over laughing] They thought they were going to get jobs and a better life in this country but you just dropped them off with no clue, what a bunch of idiots, hilarious!

Camera finally lands on the three figures sitting across from DESANTIS, CRUZ, and ABBOTT: ABRAHAM LINCOLN, MAHATMA GANDHI, and JESUS CHRIST. All three are sternly staring and shaking their heads at the Republicans.

JESUS CHRIST

[Disgusted] Yeah… really fuckin’ funny.

FADE OUT.